What Doesn't Kill You.

It's been awhile since I've done a post like this, a bit of a quiet, somber, slightly confusing to people who don't know me well, kind of update on my life. A lot of you all know that I am all to familiar with drug addiction. My birth father is a drug addict, and one of my siblings followed that example. It's not really something I can describe to someone who hasn't been here in my shoes, it's not easy to explain how I feel. Writing is my outlet, I suppose. My safe place to vent, my place to be heard. I suppose it's nice to be heard, even if people don't really get it. 

I want to start off by saying how much I love my father and brother. I love them more than I could ever express. Despite how I feel some days, they are my blood. They are my family. They are people that were supposed to be there for me, protect me from sadness and harm, and help me through life's challenges. But instead, they are the ones putting me through the worst trials I've ever been through in my life. They are the ones causing my aching heart, they are the ones who are breaking it in half. And that hurts. It hurts and some days, it feels like I'm being stabbed in the back. I did so much for you! I want to yell. I gave you my time, my love, my whole heart, and you stomped on it! I want to scream.

I'm not an angry person, nor am I the type of person to hold a grudge. I would love to forgive and forget, throw the past behind me. But it's hard to do that when it's really not behind me, it's right there in my face nonstop. Some days, I'm angry. Some days, I'm broken. But tonight?

I'm done. 

I can't say that I'm not upset that these important people have gone down this road. I can't say that it doesn't hurt me. I can't say that I'm immune to the pain anymore. I can't say that I'll never cry for them again. I can't say that I'll never plead with God and ask Him why He put this in my life because it's so. stinking. hard. But I can say that I'm stronger than I was yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and the day before. I can say that I've forgiven them, that I'm ready to forget what's happened to me and move on. I can say that I'm ready to have this weight off of my shoulders, at least as much as it can be. I can say that I'm not one of them.

I won't put my last name online.

But I'm not my last name. I'm not them. I'm not part of that.

If I'm going to take on a name, let it be someone else's completely. Let it be the one my mother chose for me as my first, and let my last be the man who has raised me.

I'm not a part of them.

They say "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." and I'm beginning to find out how true that is.

I'm ready to just let my past walk out the door and welcome in the future. Because I don't want this to be my life, I'll never be a part of them and they have no business hurting me like they have. As far as I'm concerned, I have two Fathers - my Heavenly Father, and my step-father. That's all I need. As far as I'm concerned, blood isn't the most important thing. Anyone can be a father, a brother....but it takes a lot to be a daddy. A friend. And my birth father...he's not my dad. My brother...he's never been my friend. As much as my heart is breaking over this, I'll be okay. I'm just ready to move on. I'll always love them. I'll never stop praying and hoping. And if one day they do come back, sober and ready for life, because what they're doing now, it isn't living..I'll welcome them home. But until then, I'm getting stronger without them.