BIG NEWS: The Blog Has Moved!

Big news everyone! The blog has officially moved, meaning I will not be posting here anymore!!! I have made the switch to Wordpress and I sincerely hope all of you hop on over to the new blog and give it a follow. Here's to a fresh start and a great New Year full of new blogging opportunities!!

Find the new blog here!

What Doesn't Kill You.

It's been awhile since I've done a post like this, a bit of a quiet, somber, slightly confusing to people who don't know me well, kind of update on my life. A lot of you all know that I am all to familiar with drug addiction. My birth father is a drug addict, and one of my siblings followed that example. It's not really something I can describe to someone who hasn't been here in my shoes, it's not easy to explain how I feel. Writing is my outlet, I suppose. My safe place to vent, my place to be heard. I suppose it's nice to be heard, even if people don't really get it. 

I want to start off by saying how much I love my father and brother. I love them more than I could ever express. Despite how I feel some days, they are my blood. They are my family. They are people that were supposed to be there for me, protect me from sadness and harm, and help me through life's challenges. But instead, they are the ones putting me through the worst trials I've ever been through in my life. They are the ones causing my aching heart, they are the ones who are breaking it in half. And that hurts. It hurts and some days, it feels like I'm being stabbed in the back. I did so much for you! I want to yell. I gave you my time, my love, my whole heart, and you stomped on it! I want to scream.

I'm not an angry person, nor am I the type of person to hold a grudge. I would love to forgive and forget, throw the past behind me. But it's hard to do that when it's really not behind me, it's right there in my face nonstop. Some days, I'm angry. Some days, I'm broken. But tonight?

I'm done. 

I can't say that I'm not upset that these important people have gone down this road. I can't say that it doesn't hurt me. I can't say that I'm immune to the pain anymore. I can't say that I'll never cry for them again. I can't say that I'll never plead with God and ask Him why He put this in my life because it's so. stinking. hard. But I can say that I'm stronger than I was yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and the day before. I can say that I've forgiven them, that I'm ready to forget what's happened to me and move on. I can say that I'm ready to have this weight off of my shoulders, at least as much as it can be. I can say that I'm not one of them.

I won't put my last name online.

But I'm not my last name. I'm not them. I'm not part of that.

If I'm going to take on a name, let it be someone else's completely. Let it be the one my mother chose for me as my first, and let my last be the man who has raised me.

I'm not a part of them.

They say "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." and I'm beginning to find out how true that is.

I'm ready to just let my past walk out the door and welcome in the future. Because I don't want this to be my life, I'll never be a part of them and they have no business hurting me like they have. As far as I'm concerned, I have two Fathers - my Heavenly Father, and my step-father. That's all I need. As far as I'm concerned, blood isn't the most important thing. Anyone can be a father, a brother....but it takes a lot to be a daddy. A friend. And my birth father...he's not my dad. My brother...he's never been my friend. As much as my heart is breaking over this, I'll be okay. I'm just ready to move on. I'll always love them. I'll never stop praying and hoping. And if one day they do come back, sober and ready for life, because what they're doing now, it isn't living..I'll welcome them home. But until then, I'm getting stronger without them.

 

Goodbye, 2014! (part 2 of New Years post)

It was my intention to say farewell to 2014 with one, simple blog post, but then I realized that one post simply would not do. There were so many good memories in this year, many blessings in disguise, many tears shed (but for good, in the end) and frankly, even though I'm eager to say goodbye to 2014 and begin another chapter...I feel the need to write one more page before saying goodbye.

*also I was waiting for a chance to add in The Sound of Music video you'll see below...

So, I'm pleased to share with you, the good, the bad and the....well, that's it. The good and bad.

The Good-

friendship. 'nuff said.

This year and the stress it's brought has brought me down a lot and without these lovely people (+some) I don't know what I would've done. They made 2014 fun, hilarious and crazy. They've helped me in my journey with Christ even though miles separate us. These are my soul sista's.

 me kicking lydia's knee//meeting grace for the first time ever//seeing my beloved "georgia" aka hannah...and of course, photoshopped emi along with her two horses evi and pj, and bruce wayne and I for good measure. since we haven't met yet, this is as good as we get. ;) no real pictures....yet.

I also cut my hair off...like, all of it.

 fun fact: this was a total spur of a moment thing. had a night out with mom and she said, "oh hey, there's a salon." let's just say I walked in with waist length hair and came out feeling like I'd lost 10 pounds.

I laughed so hard I cried during terrible nights. my friends<yours.

 texts with emi that proved i'm bad at insults//facetiming brenna in which her earbuds won't get out of the camera//texts with hannah where i show that I don't know the difference between a car and a bathtub//texts with two crazy sisters (lydia killed my phone. true story.)

I had 3 girl nights out..which never happens.

shopping with mom and sister//christmas outing with mom, sister-in-law and niece//shopping+dinner with mom and olaf.

You're probably wondering...what about the bad? Well...I'm a firm believer in something - that nothing happens by coincidence or just because. I believe that even the bad times are there for a reason, to make us stronger and sometimes, to make us weak enough to show our weakness to God and cry out for help. As much as I'd love to just forget the bad times some days, I know that they were there for a reason and just as important as the good. I won't make cutesy collages for these, so be prepared for some writing.

"We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things."

 This year, my (birth)father has gotten sicker and sicker with his drug addiction. I was told, by him, one night that he had heart failure. Whether that is true or not, I don't know. I've never had a relationship with him, not really, but it crushed me all the same. We went through an argument in which he talked to me in a very mean way, and I gave him two options - he either goes to rehab or he loses a daughter. He did not choose rehab, and I've forced myself to step away. I've spent many sleepless nights crying over this and I've spent many hours praying and talking to people about this. This has taken the cake on the hardest thing I've gone through in 2014...in my life, really. Making the decision to stay away because I know if I don't, it'll break my heart and crush me in the long run.

We've gone through struggles involving my niece and her parents, prayed so hard about that situation. It still isn't resolved, but I do have more of a peace about it. I've watched my brother struggle through things and yeah, it's put a strain on our relationship but I've tried to let go. I'm not perfect and it's something I've gotta keep working on. I've been hurt so badly by this part of the family so many times. These struggles have taught me to be more forgiving, but not to let myself just get run over.

"We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe."

We lost our rescue horse, Shalom. This was one of the most difficult things I will ever go through. Shalom was a fighter and taught me so much - patience, love, understanding, selflessness, humbleness. And he continues to teach me. He taught me how to live, like I only have today. He taught me how to appreciate everything I have today because we're never guaranteed a tomorrow. He was a war horse, a true soldier. And yes, I'm tearing up just writing this. It's not something anyone can understand unless they've had horses. It was just heartbreaking. Utterly heartbreaking. 

I've lost friends and I've been bullied for my faith. Before 2014, I didn't really know what the cost of faith is. And honestly, I don't even know the half of it now. I don't know what it's like to be killed for God, or be threatened and stalked and terrified. That's something I pray I never truly know. But I do know now, how it feels to be so confused on why God allows Christian's to go through so much hate. But I've risen above it with God. I'll miss the friends I lose, but I know I'll never lose Christ Jesus.

"When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home."

In the year of 2014, everyone has faces struggles. I guarantee that everyone who reads this will find something that they have in common with me, and possibly even have more terrible times behind them. Everyone has faced difficulties, and 2015 will be no different in many ways. We'll be faced with trials, we'll cry, we'll fall to our knees and ask God, "Why?" and I pray that we all learn from those trials and use them to grow closer to God.

"Because what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"

And with that...the Von Trapp kids say goodbye to 2014!

Hello, 2015!

Wow, I can hardly believe that 2014 is over! It seems like yesterday that we screaming because the world was going to end in 2012, that we welcomed in 2013 and many many dreams came true for me, and then said hello to 2014, a year that was full of...well...posts like these. 2014 brought a lot of heartache, a lot of sweet memories and a lot of excitement. Unlike most years, where I'm kind of sadly hanging on to the year gone by, I'm excited to begin a New Year. I'm dedicating this year to becoming a better me - a better Christian, a better daughter, a better sister, a better aunt. You get the gist. I'm dedicating this year to feeling good and living my life with less anxieties, less depression, less fears. I'm going to go after dreams that I was too scared to go after before. I'm going to pray more. I'm going to be more forgiving and be kinder. But most importantly (to me, at least) outside of becoming a better Christian, of course, I'm going to let go. I know, I know, how cliche, considering the Frozen craze in 2013-2014. (a faze that...can you please end, frozen faze?) I'm going to let go of things that held me back and kept me depressed all the time. I'm going to let go of certain people and stop torturing myself because of them. I'm going to forgive them and let go of them. That, I suppose, is one of my New Years Resolutions. (can I say New Years Plans instead? Everyone breaks resolutions...) But enough of that, let's talk about the year that we're about to say goodbye to.

 

January- In January, I met three of my best friends whom I had met on Pinterest! We live about 2 hours away from each other and finally got a chance to meet! I still talk to these girls daily and am so thankful for their sweet hearts.

February- February was a slow month, but the best memory I had from then was definitely taking a ride with my mother and our horses, blinded by the sunset the time while riding in a beautiful farm. 

March- March was full of blessings! We bought the farm behind our house and began working towards bringing our horses home at last! It was busy and full of hard-work, but we managed to sneak in some free time and do a photoshoot in the woods with my sister behind the camera. (Also, I almost died while climbing over thorns!) 

April- April was the beginning of our Esther Bible study! We read from Beth Moore's book about Esther and had put together a small online group full of lovely friends and grew closer to the Lord while learning about Queen Esther.

 

May- May was a busy month! I had a birthday and got to share it with Lydia and Kayla (the two Pinterest friends!) who share the same birthday. And of course, we celebrated at the barn (with Hannah, another lovely friend!) and then I went to Dixie Stampede. I also celebrated my horse's 13th birthday, because what equestrian wouldn't? 

June- June was another very busy month! I welcomed in another animal, Windy, after being talked into buying her when my mother and sister found her on a Facebook group! She is the first dog I've ever bought by myself and is sitting in my lap whilst I write this!

July- July...a hectic month! We had weddings to go to, parties to attend, concerts to go to...my favorite memory would have to be the Josh Turner concert! (also my first real concert ever.) I went with my step-father and had a wonderful time!

August- In August, I went to a party and saw Pinterest Friends again! (let's label them that now.) Hannah was leaving to travel for a few weeks so it was a little going away party. :) As always, it was a lovely time and it was great to visit!

 

 September- September was a really good month. I celebrated being a horse owner for 2 years, we were able to bring my horses home(!!!) (which was a surprise for me, had no idea they were coming!) and we also rescued an appendix Quarter Horse who was off the track. He was renamed Shalom. 

 October- October was a very hard month for me. Emotionally, I was drained. There weren't many good memories in October, honestly, but we did have a nice night at the rodeo. (even though I got terribly sick that night after being "glutened" and thought I had appendicitis...)

November- November...another very hard month. We sadly said goodbye to Shalom. We had to humanely euthanize him and it crushed us. Even now, I cry all the time over him. He had too many injuries and illnesses to live a good life, and with the help of many vets and in the company of those who loved him dearly and fought for his life, he took his final breaths. 

December- This month, although it's been hard after family issues and Shalom's passing, has been a nice month. I've spent most of it at the barn, which is always a plus. I've also gotten fairly serious with my photography (only horses..no humans!) and I'm quite proud of how I've come. Christmas came and went, time was spent with family and friends. All in all, December has been a good, fairly warm, month.

All things considered, this year has been good, but I'm eagerly awaiting 2015 and can't wait to jump right in. Here's to old memories and creating new ones. Happy New Year, everyone!

Philippians 3:13-14
No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.

Unclean Spirit

*blog post from old sermon notes. Let's pretend I've been good about posting.

Read Mark 5:1-20

3 Signs of An Unclean Spirit-

1. Perversity. The man we see in Mark 5 lived in a tomb, completely naked and living like the dead. He lived a twisted and unnatural life, and his whole mind was warped. He was wild, uncontrollable and nothing like a normal human being - he was full of a perverse spirit.
2. Brutality. This man was so wild and violent that no one could control him, no one could even come near him without fearing for their lives. This is not unlike some people in the world now. We see so many people murdered, raped, beaten...our world is full of this brutality, as well as the perversity.
3. Insanity. Night and day, this man sobbed and hurt himself. He had no love or respect for himself or other people, he was self destructive, also like many people now. Now, this is not to say that those who self-harm are insane, but it is to say that there is something mentally wrong, something that, with the help of God and other strong Christians, can be defeated. It is something that Satan will lay on our hearts.

We are becoming so blind to these things because we see them every day. Murder is no longer surprising, nor is rape, bullying, self-harm and suicide. No one has the guts to admit the truth and share why these problems exist - it is because of sin.

The Cure-

The only cure is complete submission to Jesus Christ. The man in Mark 5 got on his knees to worship, even the demons feared and believed in Jesus. They knew that Christ would deliver this man, even if the man didn't deserve it. This is just how He is willing to deliver us all from depression, anxiety, and more. All of these things have one thing in common - they are because of sin. The only thing that can truly wash that away is the blood of Jesus.

Submit and repent, He will deliver you.

  So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis^[b] how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed. -Mark 5:20.

Oh, Holy Night.

Philippians 2:8-10 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we
Let all within us praise His holy name.

Inspiration

All quotes taken from Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

 “Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.”

“When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.” 

  “Jesus Christ lived in the midst of his enemies. At the end all his disciples deserted him. On the Cross he was utterly alone, surrounded by evildoers and mockers. For this cause he had come, to bring peace to the enemies of God. So the Christian, too, belongs not in the seclusion of a cloistered life but in the thick of foes. There is his commission, his work. 'The kingdom is to be in the midst of your enemies. And he who will not suffer this does not want to be of the Kingdom of Christ; he wants to be among friends, to sit among roses and lilies, not with the bad people but the devout people. O you blasphemers and betrayers of Christ! If Christ had done what you are doing who would ever have been spared' (Luther).” 

  “I can no longer condemn or hate a brother for whom I pray, no matter how much trouble he causes me.” 

  “If my sinfulness appears to me to be in any way smaller or less detestable in comparison with the sins of others, I am still not recognizing my sinfulness at all. ... How can I possibly serve another person in unfeigned humility if I seriously regard his sinfulness as worse than my own?” 

  “The will of God, to which the law gives expression, is that men should defeat their enemies by loving them.”

  “The messengers of Jesus will be hated to the end of time. They will be blamed for all the division which rend cities and homes. Jesus and his disciples will be condemned on all sides for undermining family life, and for leading the nation astray; they will be called crazy fanatics and disturbers of the peace. The disciples will be sorely tempted to desert their Lord. But the end is also near, and they must hold on and persevere until it comes. Only he will be blessed who remains loyal to Jesus and his word until the end.”

  “The early morning belongs to the Church of the risen Christ. At the break of light it remembers the morning on which death and sin lay prostrate in defeat and new life and salvation were given to mankind”

Judge Not?

One of the most popular Bible verses is probably Matthew 7:1, "Judge not, or you will be judged." I've heard it quoted the most by people who either fit into two categories - the unsaved, or the Christian who is living in sin and defensive about it. Christian's who stand their ground and believe in the Bible, and aren't afraid to talk about things even their opinion isn't like the worlds, will probably be very familiar with this verse. Very recently, someone quoted it to me. Let me be clear before I get into this post - I am not a judging person. God's job is to judge, and I will happily leave that to Him, but it is my job to be honest, to share the gospel, and to be loud. I hate to break it to y'all, but Hell is a part of the Bible, sin is part of the Bible, and so is consequence. Just because I talk about God being the judge, and because I am honest about Hell and sin, does not mean I am hateful, holier than thou, or that I'm not a sinner. I sin daily and I fail God daily, that's why I'm so thankful for grace, and that's why I'm so passionate about sharing these consequences of sin, because I've lived through it and I've seen it firsthand. It is a Christian's job to make these things known and share - we can not lead others to Christ without leading them to repentance, and they can not repent without knowing that their sins are wrong in the eyes of the Lord, even though it's okay in the eyes of the world. But I will not push my beliefs on anyone, I simply am here to plant the seed, if I'm able.

Matthew 7 King James Version (KJV)

7 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

² For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

There's a difference between judging someone and being honest about sin, and living differently than them. I can't tell you how many times I've been "judged" for the clothes I wear, the way I speak (or choose not to speak, I should say) and so on. Am I perfect? I am so far from being perfect. I have so many issues, trust me. I don't trust God enough in areas that I should, I've doubted Him and I've even doubted my salvation, I'm depressed a lot, I'm anxious, I've lied, I'm too quick to anger...but God convicts me, because that's His job, and with the help of Godly people around me, I come back around to Him again like the prodigal son, and He welcomes me back with opened arms and kisses, just like the father, no matter if I've been gone for an hour, or a week, or a month. God is there to judge me, and I know He will continue convicting me and punishing me when I do wrong, because that's what I deserve. Honestly, I deserve far more than that, I deserve Hell, but Jesus Christ is my intercessor.

So, why am I rambling? I guess my point is this - Christian's have no right to judge...to a point. When the world thinks of judging, they most likely think of someone disagreeing with their views, or someone standing up for something that they believe in. But you see, Christian's are actually called to rebuke! Isn't that in the Bible?

Matthew 18:15-17

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

And, my personal favorite for this topic....

2 Timothy 4:2 

Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

See there? We are told to preach, reprove, rebuke and exhort! But I love that last part - we should have patience. In other words, we shouldn't damn the person or judge them, but we should be able to see their sin, tell them what is wrong and why, and do so with love, patience, and Bible. We should plant the seed, and stay firm. Let us not waver and be a bad example, living in the exact sin that the Bible preaches against.

Living a different life does not mean you are holier than thou, it should mean that you live for Christ, not the world or acceptance from the world.

Preaching the Bible does not mean you are perfect and sinless, it should mean that you know precisely how sin destroys, and that you hate it and want no part of it in your life.

I'll leave y'all with this - if someone quotes that Bible verse at you, I dare you to show them the context. I dare you to stay firm for Christ, plant the seed, be patient and loving, but be honest. Don't be afraid of persecution. Just like that Bible says, only God can judge us in that way. Stand for Him, and the opinions of the world shouldn't matter, because you know that God has you in His hand, and He's given you salvation. Whom shall we fear?

Keep on keeping on.

I know of nothing which I would choose to have as the subject of my ambition for life than to be kept faithful to my God till death, still to be a soul winner, still to be a true herald of the cross, and testify the name of Jesus to the last hour. It is only such who in the ministry shall be saved. - Charles Spurgeon.

Do We Deserve Salvation?

Before I begin - thank you thank you thank you all for over 100,000 views on this blog. That's incredible and crazy and I'm so thankful for all of my followers and those of you who just read a single post and leave. This blog has made me discover a very deep love for writing and most importantly, it's shown me how to be a bold, fearless warrior for Christ while I try to witness.

Originally, this was going to be a post about all of the sermon from this morning, but I ended up leaving my notes in the car and after having a brief conversation with someone, I decided to switch the whole thing up and focus on something my Pastor said that really hit me hard in the middle of the sermon. It wasn't necessarily his whole point, but yes, I related a lot and I feel like it's a thing I've had to deal with a lot, so I decided to do something different...that and I'm too lazy to go get my notes. Whoops.

He mentioned a very popular thing that I hear from 99% of people that I talk to, who don't believe in God. (Either that, or they believe but refuse to give Him their life.) A lot of you have most likely heard this...ahem...

"The god I serve is a loving god, and he wouldn't damn anyone to Hell because of _____!" 

You can fill in the blank. From experience, I have realized that the majority of people end up trying to use His loving personality as an excuse to live in sin. AKA, "A loving god wouldn't damn a homosexual to Hell. After all, it's just love." Or, "A loving god wouldn't damn someone to Hell just because they don't agree with all of the Bible. After all, it was written thousands of years ago." To be honest, I could go on and on, listing excuses, all of which that I've heard. 

These people are very defensive. And like Tim Keller said, "The sin that is most destructive in your life is the one that you are most defensive about." They are quick to judge Christian's, because, after all, we all sin and fall short. So what gives me, a Christian, the right to proclaim that you will go to Hell unless you believe in God, repent and believe on Him? What gives me the right to say that sin is wrong? That abortion is wrong? That homosexuality is wrong? Well, let me ask you this - what gives you (the unsaved) the right to say that murder is wrong? That cheating on a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is wrong? That sexual immorality is wrong? That lying is wrong? Unless you believe in Bible laws on morality and etc, then you have no ground.

After all, if God doesn't exist, if He isn't our ultimate Judge, then what makes things really wrong? 

One of my biggest annoyances is seeing someone with their nose up in the air, living in sin like a pig because they think God owes them something. As if He owes you salvation. (I say that in a sarcastic, sassy way, by the way. As. If.)  

Sin is from Satan.

Satan tries to destroy His perfect Kingdom.

Satan sent Jesus, His Son, to die on the cross.

Satan is causing His children (us!) to stray far away from Him and His plans.

Satan is causing us to suffer, even if we don't realize it. 

I want you to take a look at yourself, just for a moment. Have you ever lied? Yes? So you are a liar. Have you ever been jealous? Yes? So you covet. Have you ever looked at anyone with lust? Yes? So you are an adulterer. Have you ever hated someone? Yes? Then you are a murderer. 

I could go on, but I don't need to. We have all broken pretty much every commandment in the 10 Commandments. We may not build idols out of gold or stone and worship them, but look at us - our heads are constantly buried in our phones, we watch TV more than we think about God, we put things before Him. That means we have idols. So, if you have broken those 10 Commandments (and there are even more sins, outside of that.) then that in itself makes us not worthy of salvation. 

We do not deserve salvation, but God gives it to us. His only requests? That we leave behind the sin that was previously damning us to an eternity in Hell. You are right, God is loving, but you are forgetting that God is a jealous, powerful, wrathful God. And even if He was purely a loving God, with none of those other qualities, that is not an excuse to live in sin like a pig. God is love, but that doesn't mean He loves sin. If someone were to murder a loved one, would you just forgive and forget, even though they killed him/her for no reason? Even though they made them suffer the most painful death imaginable? You may forgive, but you would never let the murderer go just so they could go murder someone else. Look at this from God's point of view. Maybe if we would stop being so selfish and focused on ourselves, and think about someone else for a change, we would see how sickening we truly are. 

We look at God, spit in His face after He gives us everything, after He dies for us, even though we don't deserve it, and tell Him that everything He gave us? Oh, His gifts aren't enough...so we demand more. 

Oh, thank goodness He's full of grace, or else we'd all be damned straight to Hell. Thank goodness He's so loving, or else we wouldn't be given a single chance. I know for a fact that I don't deserve Him.

To answer the question I asked in the title...

The answer is no. 

Romans 3:20-24 For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin. But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it — the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus

God's Desires or Society's Expectations?

Lately, I've heard of a lot of girls who feel stuck in a world where they don't fit in. And up until a few months ago, I could sympathize but I couldn't understand it because I had never dealt with it myself. But now, I've realized that I don't necessarily fit the mold and I won't lie, it hurts sometimes. I'm lonely sometimes. I wish I could fit in better sometimes. Let me be clear on this before I continue - I'm surrounded by a lot of lovely people. I'm in no way better than any of them, in all honesty, I feel like I fall behind so many of them when it comes to my spiritual walk. But I do know this - my desires, my hopes for the future, my convictions, my morals, my way of living...it's very different from the people my age that I'm around. I look around at these wonderful people and I wish that I could fit in better. I wish that I fit that mold better, but then, God reminds me that He made me who I am for a reason. He is the one convicted me and urging me to live differently, so that's what I'll do. It's all about Him, not myself.

I want to marry young. As young as God will allow, quite honestly. I have dedicated this time of my life to God, and I have promised that I will wait for as long as He wants, even if that means I will never marry, but yes, I pray that God brings me someone sooner rather than later. I know that I want to be a wife, most likely a mother eventually. I want to court in the most conservative way you could basically imagine - chaperones, no kissing until we're at the alter, no frontal hugs or hand holding until engagement, obviously no sex before marriage. I want to marry a man who will be the head of my house. I don't want a man who treats me like "just one of the guys" because that seems to be a trend that's becoming really popular nowadays. I'm a woman, a lady, and I do want to be treated as such. I want to live on a tiny farm, in a cute little house, I want to have a conservative home and I want my future children, if God blesses me with them, to grow up in a home that isn't centered around worldly things (television, phones, parties, etc) but around God things. I never really had a desire to go out and play and hang out, I want to spend this time of my life, this sacred singleness, my older teenage years, to bring myself closer to God, make myself into the proper homemaker that I believe He wants me to become, and ready myself for my future.

I don't like the trends that are popular in my generation - I don't like much contemporary music, whether it be considered praise & worship or not. I don't like skinny jeans or this whole metrosexual trend that make men into basically women. (Men, dress like men and act like a man. You aren't a woman.) I don't like those things. And yes, my different taste separates me from a lot of people. 

I am in no way better or worse than anyone, but I was raised differently than a lot of people. I am different, and that's fine. I've decided to follow God's desires instead of society's expectations, and yes, I fail Him daily. There's not a day that goes by that I wonder why on earth God still wants me or loves me.

I choose my horse over a boyfriend.
I choose my farm life over a fancy house.
I choose my heart (It belongs to God) over dating around.
I choose my morals over anyone's expectations of me.
I choose my convictions over what everyone else is doing.

 

 Yes, I turn down a lot of "fun" opportunities. I actually made the choice not to do or attend a few different things in the last 2 years, not because I believe that they are overall just sinful things or because I think that anyone who chooses differently than myself are even sinning in the process, but because I feel like I don't fit in at all in so many of the crowds. I can't help but feel like I'm alone sometimes, and yes, it can get disappointing. I make my own choices based on what God wants me to do (most of the time, I've made a lot of mistakes along the way.) and I still feel stares of others on my back, wondering why I choose not to do things with the crowd. I get teased endlessly for bragging on my horse or riding a lot or posting pictures of him, but that's my passion. Yet if I were to be posting nonstop about, let's say my boyfriend who is non-existent, I wouldn't get a single weird stare or comment. Because that? That is "normal."

I watch young Christian teens like myself start smoking or drinking or even doing drugs, I see them date a huge amount of people, off and on, all the time. I see them start slipping from God, I see them doing so many things that I don't understand, but the moment one of them stands up for Christ, even though so many of their friends disagree? They get stared at like they've suddenly grown two heads.

I suppose I'm ranting and I've babbled on way more than I planned, but I'm tired of youth being allowed to run around like crazy and call things Christian and yes, I'm tired of people (older Christian's) not standing up and YELLING and PROTECTING OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. Don't just shy away.

HELP. US. We need the help, I swear! Stand up even though we may not like it, we need guidance. We don't need more retreats or new music or parties, we need Jesus. We need Bible. We need convictions.

Sincerely, a young Christian person.